Why a Child is Violent

This is an extract from an ebook written by staff from our school.
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They may lack suitable social problem-solving skills to know how to deal with issues as a consequence of things such as undiagnosed or diagnosed learning disabilities, their individual temperament, or chaos within a family.  

They may not have the problem-solving skills they need to be able to deal with their frustration or disappointment.

Children can be overwhelmed by the emotions they experience as they are not sure how to deal with social problems appropriately. 

If a child does not have suitable social tools to be able to deal with their strong emotions, then they may display threatening behaviour or be verbally abusive.

Whilst these issues can lead to abusive behaviour in children, there are also some aspects of our culture that encourage abusive behaviour. We live in a world where we glorify aggression and power – in cinemas, games, politics and sports. Pre-teenagers and adolescents are very vulnerable to cultural messages, believing that they are weak if they do not fight back.  Children are given the message that power and control will solve their problems, so as they get older their fighting may intensify.

If a child has poor social skills or problem solving skills, and they hear messages of power and fighting on TV or in video games, then they may start to use threats or abuse to replace their inadequate problem-solving abilities.  They begin to act out behaviour - abusive behaviour and aggressive behaviour.  In this way, the abusive behaviour becomes their problem-solving skill.  It can be a dangerous pattern for the child to develop.

Children also watch adults and see how they behave. As we discussed previously, they model the behaviour of others, for better or worse. Children learn from adults and others.  Parents do not often understand that chronic defiance develops over time. A child does not just wake up one day and become defiant. The defiance has grown and developed. An example would be where a young child is told they must put their own dirty washing in a basket, but instead they throw it on the floor. They are told to go to their room when they are naughty, but they refuse and go and instead they play in the lounge room. If the parent lets the child “get away” with these things, then the child may think they can get do so again and they will be tempted to try more and more contradictory behaviours. A child will push against boundaries set for them by their parents, but if the boundaries are not always the same, then the child may keep trying.

For example, on Monday the child is told to put their dirty washing in the basket, the child drops it on the floor, his dad shouts at him and makes him put it in the basket. On Tuesday, the child puts the washing on the floor, his dad picks it up and puts in the basket for him. And so on. The child will find this confusing because he is receiving mixed messages.

Parents can respond to this in one of two ways:

 They stick to their boundaries and the child eventually comes to learn that they must follow certain rules.
 The parent may lower their expectations - picking up the child’s dirty washing, for example, thinking it is easier to keep the peace.

With the second group of parents, the child will push and push and show more and more negative behaviour because the parents let them “get away” with their behaviours. The first group will find that their children will fight and argue with them, but eventually will learn that there are social rules they should obey like most other people have to – like putting their own dirty washing in the basket.  Parents may find it hard to fight against this negative behaviour every time, but a child needs to learn the rules and expectations to develop into a positive social adult.

PHYSICAL DAMAGE IN OR OUT OF THE HOME

One of the best ways to deal with physical damage is natural consequences. Most damaging acts involve a natural consequence that allows for the best learning experience. Another way to deal with it is to follow it up with a logical consequence. Again, most acts of damage have a logical consequence. Here are some examples:

• A teenager - is angry and slams their bedroom door so hard that it comes off the hinges. Without a door to their room the teenager will lose their privacy (which is generally very important to them). This is a natural consequence. This can be followed up by a logical consequence, which is that the teenager will have to use their pocket money to pay for the door to be fixed and/or help to fix the door.
• An infant  - is angry and throws their toy and it breaks. The natural consequence is that the child no longer has their toy.
• A child - intentionally draws on the wall. The logical consequence is that their pens get taken off them for a period of time.

Some children will cause physical damage, especially to property, when they are in a “blind rage.” If they are prone to such displays of temper, strategies may need to be used to develop different, more appropriate outlets for them. One technique for dealing with this is to discuss what happened with the child immediately after an outburst. Allow the child to describe the event from their point of view, and then summarise back to them to demonstrate you have heard what they are saying.

Get the child to identify how they were feeling both physically, for example, heart beating faster, hands clenched in fists, as well as emotionally. This helps the child to connect their feelings with their behaviour. It also gives them tools to identify in future events warning signs that they are about to lose their temper. For example, if they feel their heart starting to beat faster they know they are starting to feel angry and might lose their temper. The next step is to outline alternative behaviours when they are feeling this way. Alternatives might be something like going outside for some fresh air, going to their room for some quiet time, doing breathing exercises, or punching a pillow. Over time, the child will be able to develop an awareness about their feelings and behaviours, and this provides them with a plan for how they can deal with it without resorting to physical damage.

[25/11/2024 04:47:03]

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